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My wife used to say that she could tell how I was feeling by what was in the laundry basket.The more anxious I was, the more likely I was to cross-dress.Back then, my feminine wardrobe consisted of little more than a half dozen pairs of panties, a few sleep things, and two dresses.

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Cross-dressing rarely meant more than wearing panties under male clothing.But it was still something with which I was very uncomfortable.

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Why did I feel compelled to go there? When I was a kid, boys did not accept me as one of them.

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I was fairly athletic, but I was also the smart kid, the geeky kid.But it was clear enough why it was directed at me.

I was also the effeminate kid.They were saying I was girly.Throughout school and into college, my closest friends were always women.It was partly a matter of values.Few of the men I knew had any real respect for women.My female friends, on the other hand, were compassionate and sensitive.

And they cared about people.They were interested in people.Even in adulthood, if I was in a group of men, I no more fit in than if it had been a group of Buddhist monks.

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In some way, I knew that all along, but it came as a revelation when I was finally able to focus it.My feminine self, who had been imprisoned for odd years, was finally set free, and she went wild.

Not in public, but at home.It was too much too fast, both for me and for Lee, and we crashed.Lee was terrified that I was going to start taking hormones or seek sexual re-assignment surgery.

I was angry that she would not listen to my reassurances.So one morning, after a nasty argument, I packed every piece of female clothing I owned into a suitcase and put it all into the basement.

I would be a man if it killed me.I had been reading quite a lot online.

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Blogs, support forums, academic papers, anything I could find.But none of what I was reading fit my experience.I was not a transsexual or even transgendered: I did not see myself as exclusively female any more than I saw myself as exclusively male.

I was not bi-gendered: I was not androgynous: Somehow, I felt both male and female or, perhaps better, between male and female.

The problem was to figure out what that meant to me and what it meant for my life.Most theorists of gender will tell you that genders are social categories that are defined by what society expects of the people who are assigned to them, usually on the basis of anatomical sex: People with vaginas are supposed to act this way; people with penises, that way.

But the true nature of gender is hidden by a mythology that gives it a false objectivity: Gender is not just social but is firmly grounded in biology.You know, women are hard-wired to be caregivers; men, to sow their oats.

So the social norms that govern gender are presented as not just appropriate but inevitable.However, gender norms vary enormously, both across societies and over time.Gender has something to do with biology, but the particular norms and expectations that constitute the two genders recognized in American society are a product of our history and our politics.

Once one understands the radical contingency of the norms and expectations associated with gender, it can come to seem surprising that anyone is comfortable with them.

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One is socialized into it, and most people comfortably internalize the role they are expected to play.Those who do not are subjected to social penalties, and most of the dissidents conform in the end.

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But dissidents do remain.The expectations people have of me, because they identify me as male, feel wrong.We all get this sort of thing.If Lee orders a Jack and Coke, she very often has to repeat: But in my case, the disconnect is more frequent, and it goes deeper.

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I have spent so much of my life being criticized, chastised, and castigated for being or seeming feminine.Why was that so wrong? But there is more, and worse.

Our society regards what is feminine as inferior.A woman who acts in traditionally masculine ways is striving for what is better even if it is not rightly hers.

A man who acts in traditionally feminine ways is humiliating himself.And that goes for men, too.Lee has been amazingly supportive, but neither of us is dying to find out what would happen if I were to wear a pink floral sweater to the mall.

I always wear panties now, in colors to match my outfit, except when I fly or go to the doctor.For nail polish, I do clear or very lightly tinted on my fingers and, in the summer, on my toes.So, overall, I look a lot more feminine than I once did.

At home, I wear what I want: Pretty lounging pants and pink nightshirts.Classic pumps, strappy sandals, or cute flats.To be able now, after all these years, to look at myself in the mirror and actually see the woman within me, and not to be ashamed of her, but to embrace her and love her, is powerful.

He is a father, a husband, a feminist, a leftist, a radical Christian, and a huge fan of both baseball and sex.

He considers himself to be ambi-gendered, though he is uniformly gynophilic.